| there's so much to say, but i'm at a loss of how/what to say...
there's been thousands of thoughts and decisions that have gone through my mind, but very few of these have transformed into actual life styles for present day me. it seems to always be this way, no? change doesn't come easy... no no, i don't think it was made to be easy.
a lot has gone on in my life that has made me question who i am (when do i not though?)... i've concluded (to my cringing surprise) that i am not humble at all. not even one single bit. i'm not sure where or how i've come to develop such high standards... or perhaps it's more of a perception of myself... yes, that's probably the better way to put it, i never realized that i perceived myself to be so worthy (even overqualified) of the blessings that surround me.
say what?
there's always been a part of me, perhaps less hidden than i had thought, that whole-heartedly believes that i am meant for great things. no really. i am serious, i don't think i've ever allowed myself to think that i was ordinary... ah- what seemed to be a pubescent/hormonal rebellion of "i am me and nobody else - i am an island!" during my teens has stuck on a lot longer than perhaps it should have. granted that i don't believe there's anything wrong with holding high standards for yourself, but i've come to feel extremely... what's the word... ordinary? simple as of late.
there's a part of me that enjoys the simplicity of routine, but there's always been something so unnerving about the day in and day out that life "simply" offers me.
i want to fight for my beliefs and live for my ideals - i want to fight for who i was intended to be and for who i can be.
slowly, but surely... my fears have lost focus and have swayed by my itching to find myself- were you to ask me what i fear most today, it would be that i am absolutely petrified of not reaching my potential, of settling into a simple life of a picket fence and my 4.5 family (is that right?).
oh but how torn i am!!
how hauntingly comfortable it would be to settle down without having gotten a mere whiff of all the things i long to do, yet... how daunting that dream would be. for the rest of my life.
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